The trouble with life is there's no background music.

My wife sent me a list of one liners, here's a highlight reel (kinda lengthy but worth it):

• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
  
• If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
• Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
• We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?
• Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
• If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?
• If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
• There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
• If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
• I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
• Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
• All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
• Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
• Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
• Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
• In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?
• I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
• The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
• Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Well I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did. I'll post more soon... (yea that right there's more. can you believe it?)